BIG!

I mentioned the movie "The Big Year" in the update posted on July 13th. Well, Laurie and I watched the movie again last week and thoroughly enjoyed it. You pick up on things that you missed in the first viewing which makes the movie a little different in places. We both liked watching the film and I keep wondering exactly why I keep paying almost $80.00 a month for satellite TV.

Sunday, July 22nd, 2012 marked the one year date of Laurie's first brain operation. Between the symptoms first appearing at the CBA meeting in Halifax in July and the diagnosis made on July 23rd, the operation was quickly scheduled for Sunday, July 24, 2011. I remember looking at the MRI taken about 01:30 Saturday morning that showed the massive tumour and asked the doctor if Laurie would be alright. He said that he was not sure but that it did not look very good. That was the first time that I cried. The post-surgery pathology report was not very good either so I was very apprehensive then and to some extent I still am. This past twelve months has indeed been a "Big Year" for Laurie and myself. Big for many reasons. The tumour was been a life changing event for us. That alone makes it a Big Year. However, other reasons why the past year has been big is because of specific things. For instance, anxiety and concern has never been bigger than it has been. Big surprises have occurred in the hospitals and in some of the treatment sessions - some good and some (too many) not so good. A Big lack of quality sleep has affected us both for the past year. With the coming of the second operation in December, 2011, our lives were somewhat like a rerun of the July 2011 experience but significant differences are evident. The Big shock in December 2011 was the surgeon's view that Laurie would likely live for only a few months more. However, she would not be in pain during this time and I should try and make her as comfortable as possible at home. Some consolation I know but this was a terrible period for me - the waiting to see Laurie's physical and mental health decline. I kept rereading Desiderata which was posted on the refrigerator and thought of all the things that we wanted to do but had to put on hold. For how long I really did not know. This was a Big period of stress and anxiety and mind wandering thoughts about the present and the future. We had a Big amount of mail and deliveries to the house after Laurie's first and second surgeries. This helped Laurie in a number of ways knowing that her friends and colleagues around the globe were thinking and praying for her. Many of Laurie's colleagues at the Canadian Museum of Nature were a Big help in ensuring that Laurie remain on staff at the CMN during her illness and also in helping with all of the administrative paper work required. I wish to thank them for their contributions in making a difference to our lives. Many of the readers of this blog have also made an important influence along Laurie's Road to Recovery.

Laurie is thankfully still here with us and she continues with her monthly five day chemotherapy pills. In fact, she completed her seventh session on Saturday night. In celebration I cooked steaks on the BBQ. What is significant here is that this is the first BBQ we have had this year. I must be the last Canadian guy to get the BBQ fired up in 2012. Laurie enjoyed her steak and potatoes and cauliflower. She continues to eat well and I think that this has helped her physical recovery. We had another BBQ on Sunday night which was very kindly prepared by friends who drove down from the Ottawa area on Sunday to see us. This was really appreciated since it gave me a break from cooking. It also gave us some welcome variation on dinner. This is not the first instance of their generosity and I would like to thank them again for thinking of us.

Laurie's current recovery is more prolonged than after her first operation where I feel that progress was very good in contrast. Having a Big Year for us may mean that something important or marked happened in a single day. This could be Laurie saying something that she has not said in over one year for instance. It could be that she offered to dry the dishes one evening - something that comes out of the blue so to speak. The Big Year has had these Big moments but there have been days when I was unsure if I would make it through the day. Laurie is a very determined person which is great but it can be cause for concern too. It means that there needs to be a watchful eye on her throughout the day. Some things that have disappeared have been found but others remain hidden away somewhere. Laurie does not recall where she puts things so the important point is to ensure that nothing really important (like pills) is left out in the open.

Generally, our lives seem to be like the movie "Ground Hog Day" where each day is virtually identical or predictable to the next. Our days are certainly not like they were before Laurie became ill. It has been a very long and trying year and it is difficult to imagine that for some people our past year has been their way of life for many years. I remain somewhat nervous of Laurie's possibility of having another seizure although her medications taken since last February seem to be working alright. I do carry pills in the car along with water just in case there is a reoccurrence.  Being vigilant of things like this is really necessary and has become a second nature activity. We would like to travel on longer outings but this is not very realistic right now. I hope that a meeting in August with a specialist to review Laurie's incontinence issue will be beneficial. Solving this problem would certainly be a big improvement for both of us.

The careful administration of a variety of pills each day makes me wonder how long Laurie will need to continue taking them. For the moment, I guess that the time will be for an indefinite period. Through the past year Laurie has never questioned her situation with me. Perhaps it because she is not able to find the words to communicate her thoughts or that she is so determined to overcome this illness she is staying positive. She has at times been frustrated but not overly so. I have been the one with the tears and wondering about all of the "what ifs?" As we move on from the first anniversary of Laurie's operation into the second year I can only hope for Laurie's continued recovery. Her safety, happiness, health and well being are really all that I am concerned with. Whatever I can do will be done. We ask those of you who have been thinking of Laurie to continue to do so. The collective positive thoughts are appreciated.

I will endeavour to keep the postings relatively current and thank those for visiting and reading about Laurie's Road to Recovery. One of the comments recently written was very nice. It was made by a past student at McGill University who happened to reside next to Laurie in Laird Hall. She has written a paper for the Journal of Applied Microbiology and wanted to include Laurie as a coauthor due to her contributions. I believe that Laurie did assist with some aspects of the research but in a more helpful way as opposed to being an intended author. The paper entitled "Hydrocarbon degrading potential of microbial communities from Arctic plants" is hopefully not going to be Laurie's final contribution to science. The Arctic, Science, Research, Botany, Nature, Travel and  Curiosity in general ....this was Laurie's world and one that I wish every day that she can rejoin one step at a time.

DESIDERATA

Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its shams, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.