When I hear the Raven....

Update May 13, 2013

Laurie’s memorial service was held on April 6th, 2013 which was a clear and crisp day in Ottawa. It was a little early in the year for the appearance of Spring flowers. The conditions were favourable to those who travelled to the service. It was nice to have people attend for which a day’s drive was required. Laurie’s service began with a visitation. Many photos of Laurie throughout her life were there in frame and album formats. Some of her personal mementos were there that I am sure brought back memories for some of those attending. The flower arrangements were different from what one may expect to see at a memorial service. The arrangements included natural elements including drift wood and tree branches, moss and lichens and an assortment of flowers that are found more in the wild than in cultivated environments. The red roses matched those in Laurie’s Ph.D. graduation photo that stood along with her urn in the arrangements. There was a video of 220 photos of Laurie that were shown with the music of seven songs selected for the occasion. The songs were “You are Everything” (Jann Arden), “Haunt Me” (Sade), “Ishkuess” {“Girl”} (Kashtin), “Dark Angel” (Blue Rodeo), “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” (Tommy Emmanuel), “Turn to Stone” (Sagona) and “Sunshowers” (David Broadstreet). Many of Laurie’s colleagues from the Canadian Museum of Nature and other associations came to remember Laurie. It was nice to see that some of my friends who knew of Laurie but had never met her came along. Many of those at the visitation knew one another and some old friendships appeared to be rekindled.

My uncle Bill from Dundas, Ontario, led the memorial service. After welcoming those in attendance, he introduced Laurie’s friend Cheryl who read ten tributes. These tributes came from many places in the world and gave us a reminder of Laurie’s dedication to nature, to science and her warm personality. Further tributes were read by her friend, Alice, from Toastmasters International and by Lynn who was Laurie’s friend and supervisor at the Canadian Museum of Nature. Aspects of Laurie’s life that were perhaps not known by those at the service gave an idea of the breadth and scope of Laurie’s interests and contributions to our natural world. My uncle closed the service by thanking those who remembered Laurie in music, words and thoughts and to those who helped Laurie along her way through life.

My eulogy to Laurie covered the years from December,1992 when we met to December, 2012. It was given in two parts with my uncle reading the thoughts I put to words. Between the two parts, the Voices of Nature – the Canadian Museum of Nature choir – sang “You are the New Day”. Laurie was a member of this small choir which also began the service with the song “She’s Like A Swallow”. The choir sang “Adonai Ro” – Psalm 23 (“The Lord is My Shepherd”) at the closing of the service. During the service, two of Laurie’s guitar instructors – both named John, and her friend Heather, played three songs of which Laurie liked. The songs were “Landslide”, “Wildflower” and “The Water is Wide”. Many people spoke to me at the reception and said just how wonderful these songs were played and how meaningfully appropriate they were.

A reception was given after the service where people once again joined one another in talking about Laurie and the memories they had from knowing her. I was pleased with the catering that people partook in. The mementos of Laurie that were in the visitation room were moved to the visitation for those wishing to spend time on a personal level with Laurie’s life. Those coming to the service could take a small Memorial Card and The Order of Service. I have some extra copies of both of these and those wishing to have one sent to them can contact me.

Laurie’s service was held about five weeks ago as I write this update. My focus between last December and this April has been in arranging for a service that people might enjoy and give some ever lasting memories of Laurie’s life. I hope that I was able to deliver such a service with the help of those participating. I wish to give a big “thank you” to my Aunt Nancy and my Uncle Bill who for many weeks had helped me in various ways for things related to Laurie’s service.

Since the service I have begun to undertake things that I had wished to leave until later. These things deal with different “administrative” areas of Laurie’s life that required some attention. Taxes. Banking. Insurance. I assumed that there would be some anxiety and stress in the communication of Laurie’s passing and the management of her accounts. As time quickly proved, I was correct. One would think that all of the institutions that I contacted would know exactly what I needed to do but at times this was not the case. Much patience is required and I was correct in leaving all of these affairs until after the memorial service.

One of the administrative aspects relates to three legacies that Laurie left. Laurie wished to leave something to organizations that meant something special to her. Laurie chose to remember the Sherwood Fox Arboretum at the University of Western Ontario, London, Ontario. Laurie worked in the arboretum in the late 1990s and she enjoyed touring such places around the world. I will be presenting the legacy at the arboretum this month or in June. A tree will be chosen and named in Laurie’s memory. I look forward to wandering among the trees all the while thinking of Laurie’s time there – in a place she walked and liked.

Laurie chose to remember the Canadian Botanical Association (CBA). This was an association that Laurie joined when she was a student in the early 1980s at the University of Western Ontario. She remained a life-long member and served as secretary between 2008-2010. Laurie’s legacy will be used by the CBA in a way that would make Laurie happy. Although I have some thoughts on how the legacy might be directed it is felt that the CBA will honour Laurie in a very appropriate way. I have decided that I will be making an annual contribution to the CBA in further remembrance of Laurie’s interest and dedication to their causes, values and direction. I would like to thank the CBA Executive Committee for arranging to have as part of the program at their annual meeting, a tribute to Laurie. This meeting is being held in Kamloops, British Columbia, in June of this year. Dr. Lynn Gillespie will be giving the tribute to many of Laurie’s friends and colleagues.

A legacy was also left to the Ottawa Field Naturalist’s Club (OFNC). Similar to Laurie’s interest to the CBA, she had a long-time association and active participation in the OFNC.

Laurie had many friends at the OFNC, in particular those who enjoyed her keen hobby of bird watching. As well as watching, Laurie had participated in both of the Ontario Bird Breeding Atlases and many bird surveys and outings. I knew of Laurie’s love of birds from the first walk we did together in January, 1993. The OFNC offers field trips to the membership and Laurie had led some of these with a focus on plants. She was a broadly knowledgeable naturalist so the identification of other aspects of natural history were often part of these walks. Laurie also enjoyed participating in the OFNC outings when she could. She was also a contributor to the OFNC publication “Trail and Landscape”. Laurie was a member of the Birds Committee and attended as many meetings in Ottawa as she could. She enjoyed these times with others who shared her dedication to birds. I have been asked present Laurie’s legacy to the OFNC steering committee and I am honoured to do so. The presentation will take place on May 13, 2013 in Ottawa.

I will be arranging a fund for students attending the Macdonald Campus of McGill University in Montreal, Quebec, to help with the cost of their greenhouse work. I know that Laurie needed to have greenhouse space and like most things in this world, it costs money to have this. Although discussions are to take place, I want to ensure that students who are dedicated to their research in botany are not limited or thwarted because of the cost of acquiring greenhouse space. I know that Laurie’s Ph.D. was predicated on her plants being in a good greenhouse environment. I think that she would be happy to know that this fund will be established.

Laurie was my wife, my “significant other” for twenty years.  Those years were undoubtedly the happiest of my life. Being here without her is very difficult. I am sad and miss her tremendously. I think of her much and keep thinking how unjust, unfair, and undeserving Laurie’s illness was. I keep thinking of a life that should have been in St. John’s, Newfoundland. As the seasons change I think of the things that Laurie liked and did. Seeing the flowers appear that Laurie had once planted. To look at the flowers in the woodland that Laurie taught me the names of. To see the flowering shrubs and trees to which the names Laurie told me are sometimes difficult to recall. All of these things are meaningful and in a way that I remember Laurie’s pleasure of being outside. Since the service I am finding that without Laurie, my “significant other”, there is not a lot of significance in life right now. I retired in October of 2012. This is not what retirement was meant to be. I am spending time outside in the rock garden and giving attention to things that require it. I meet with friends for a coffee or lunch a couple of times each week. I am planning my first trip since Laurie passed away. I am taking one this year, mostly because of my need to use many air miles before the end of the year. Part of my trip with be with a friend from Ottawa and I am happy that he will be joining me for a while. I know that travelling without Laurie will be hard. I am going to a place that we did not visit together. I think that returning to somewhere that we visited as a couple would be too difficult. Planning for this trip will help to keep me busy with my thoughts on the future.

For many years we have had Barred Owls in our area. This year, the owls are nesting in a large maple tree just outside the back door. They are beautiful owls and Laurie would have been so happy to see them so close and to know that they are nesting on our property. Many of the usual birds are back and I am going to keep feeding them. I know some would say not to do so. However, it gave Laurie such pleasure to watch them over the past two summers that I do not want to end this right now.

Since cancelling the television service in March I have been watching DvDs such as “Kavanagh Q.C.”, “Inspector Morse” and “Lewis”. Laurie and I bought many BBC series and I am now going back to watch them again. I am also reading one of Laurie’s favourite books – “Arctic Dreams” by Barry Lopez. Although I have only read the first 85 pages, it is a wonderfully written and poignant account of the Arctic. I know that Laurie read the book, probably twice, and I now know why. Before picking up this book, I have been reading various mysteries. I also read “The Rum Affair” by Karl Sabbagh which is about botanical fraud back in the 1930s in the UK. Laurie and I visited the Isle of Rum in 2010 and she had that book with her for reading. It was a gift for her 49th birthday. Most of our books are still in packing boxes but we had two copies of “Arctic Dreams” of which one had not been boxed away. In terms of the packed boxes I have done very little. I know that they are there but I can not begin to open them yet – it is just too soon to do so.

I wish to thank those of you who gave us support during Laurie’ illness. Thoughts came to us in various ways – flowers, books, photos, telephone calls, mailed cards and many emails. I know many were thinking of Laurie often. Visits made by friends to the house and to the hospitals helped Laurie and I along. This is the final update on the blog. I would like to thank Marian, the blog master, for giving me the opportunity for communicating Laurie’s illness in a method that permitted anyone to follow along. The text and the photos go back a long time and show what just a courageous, loving and wonderful person Laurie was. You miss her. I miss her. She will be forever loved and remembered.

To Laurie – my inspiration in life -

When I smell the grass and flowers in the Spring

When I hear the evening sounds of Summer

When I see the leaves fall softly in Autumn

When I watch the snow cover nature in Winter

I know that I will miss you.

When I hear the wind blowing through the trees

When I hear the Raven and look to the sky

I know that I will miss you even more. (Mark)

She is in the WInd that blows through the Trees

It has been a long time since the last update was posted on January 14th, 2013 and I apologize to those who may have been checking for an update and not seeing one. Although it has been seven weeks I really do not know what to say. I guess the truth is that I am not coping very well and the days are not really getting much better. I still cannot believe that Laurie is not here. I miss Laurie tremendously and I am very lost in life right now without her. Some of you reading this can relate to this from your own personal losses. My focus has been on Laurie’s memorial service which is on April 6th in downtown Ottawa. The visitation starts at 12:30 and the service begins at 1:30. There will be a reception after the service where friends can gather (there is more information relating to the service at the bottom of this update). The service is really a celebration of Laurie’s life and I keep thinking just how this service should not be happening and that Laurie and I are in Newfoundland having begun a new chapter in our lives. 

As part of the preparation for the service I have gone through many photographs from the time when Laurie was a little baby. We took many photos during our holidays and outings together and I took many as well during the time of Laurie’s illness – from July, 2011 until December, 2013. I see the determination and the strength and the courage that Laurie had during her 17 month ordeal with the brain tumour. I also see these qualities in other photos from other times though -  the climbs up precarious mountains in rough weather, the boat trips across rough waters and even in her Ph.D. graduation pictures from June 2, 2008. She was such an intelligent person who took care of herself and led a healthy lifestyle. Laurie was soft-spoken but had qualities in her of which  I wish I possessed more. More patience... more faith in mankind...more hope for the future.

People say to me that “she is in a better place now” and that “she would want me to be happy”. I find these expressions to be very difficult to relate to. I don’t know where Laurie is, where good people who pass on, go. I know that she is in my heart, my mind and in whatever spirit I have left. I feel guilty for doing things that we once did together like going out to dinner or for a long walk through the woods. I have met friends and shared a meal but I have not really gone out on my own. Laurie is in everything I see in the house and outside of it. She is in the wind that blows through the trees.

It is difficult to drive to places that we shared. It is hard to walk down the country road here that we walked so many times together. It is more difficult to wander around the property that we were so happy to have bought back in 1994. There is a tree with a natural seat that Laurie liked to sit in and listen to the sounds of the forest. I sat there last week and cried as the falling snow slowly accumulated on the branches. There are days when I know we would have been out skiing or simply taking a hike someplace...these days are difficult to manage. My days here are quite low-key. I spend much of the evenings in the living room reading – this is where Laurie is. Our small artificial Christmas tree is still up and the lights are on. I have candles burning. I find these things give me some peace and there is some tranquility that I find at night compared to the day time.

What else has been happening? Well, I bought a new computer. I was experiencing many frustrating hours in trying to open files with a large number of pictures and the computer would freeze. One day I had enough of this and went to the computer shop near the house. The technician said that there is a “night and day difference between the old and the new”. The old computer was bought in 2003 and well, it really was time for a new one. At the same time, I got a new satellite dish for internet service. Of course the computer and internet are working fine now but this was not always the case. Laurie was the one who delved into new computer things and she actually took the time to read manuals and help screens. I find that these actions do in fact help and it is better than getting frustrated and blaming something or someone else for my technical weakness.

I have been keeping a local framing firm in steady business as I have had many photos enlarged and framed. There are some very nice photos of Laurie in frames on the walls and on table tops. I do not know why we did not frame some of our holidays pictures of us together and hang them on the wall. It seems that we looked at the photos after our trip and then they were tucked into a folder on the computer. Laurie actually had three lap tops as well as the desk top so I have experience now in many versions of Microsoft Windows. I have also been printing the electronic pictures in various sizes and putting them in albums. I write on the back of the picture the date of the photo and usually some note as to where it was taken or some significance to this. It seems that I, we, were just too busy before to undertake these things. I feel that there is much value in doing so and is something to do rather than watching television for instance. I decided, in fact, to cancel the television service. Given the number of commercials, reality shows and the ceaseless reruns of them, news channels showing more bad news and an endless number of pay-per-view stations I decided to end the service. Having done so, I have received two calls from the provider to follow-up on my reasons for cancelling. I would just like them to respect my decision and let me be.

The next update will appear after the memorial service. It will likely be the last one. This is a “last call” for those who will be unable to attend but would like some message to be read during the service. It does not need to be long – even a couple of sentences – of a time that gives you a special memory of Laurie. Please send the tribute to Mark at “carpe_diem@xplornet.com”. I know that Laurie had many friends and colleagues around the world who are very saddened by her passing and may want to write something in their remembrance of her.

Here are the details on Laurie’s memorial service:

Date: Saturday, April, 6th, 2013

Time: Visitation 12:30 * Service 1:30 * Reception after the service.

Location: McGarry Central Chapel. 315 McLeod Street (at O’Connor), Ottawa, Ontario. (613) 233-1143. Take exit 119A off of the 417 highway eastbound.

The Canadian Museum of Nature is adjacent to the chapel. Parking is at the chapel or along the streets.

For those wishing to send flowers, I would like to recommend “The Silver Rose” florist in Ottawa (www.thesilverrose.com). Gerry, the owner,has provided excellent heart-felt advice to me (613) 238-8236. For those wishing to leave a legacy to Laurie it is hard to direct you. There are so many worthwhile associations and organizations that are fitting. I would like to think that Laurie might like a legacy left to an organization involved in, or promoting, our natural world...whether it relates to plants, animals, birds or the ecosystem.

For those travelling to Ottawa, there are many place to stay. I know that there is a nice looking Best Western – Victoria Park Suites Hotel very close by the chapel. Call 1-800-465-7275 for information / reservations (www.victoriapark.com).

Please do come on April 6th and join the celebration of Laurie’s life. There will be music, memories and a nice reception where friends may get together.

on a level of being Lost

To begin with, I would like to thank those who have taken some time and expressed their thoughts by mailing a card. Although I have some emotional difficulty in opening them they are appreciated. One card that I received was from our friends Luise and David and their sons who live outside of St. John's, Newfoundland. The front of the card simply says "Memories" in nice calligraphy. It took me 20 minutes to turn to the inside of the card. The days here in Oxford Station are quiet and lonely and very, very sad. Laurie is home in a beautiful urn. I brought her back before Christmas day.  There is a candle that burns day and night and I find some peace in this. I feel most at ease when I simply sit in the living room close to her. I am sorry to write that I have not been very diligent in responding to emails or responding to telephone call messages. Right now I have bad days, really bad days and horrible days. Sometimes I think that better days will come but right now it is difficult to get through one. I cry quite often. I get frustrated with things. I sit staring out of the window on a forest that Laurie loved. I keep asking the same question of why Laurie was taken away from me, from us, from the natural world that she so much belonged in. Looking at photographs frequently brings tears.  Other activities are difficult. Cooking two eggs rather than four, three pieces of bacon rather than seven and making just half a pot of coffee are reminders that Laurie is now someplace else. I am falling asleep in the evenings on the living room sofa and wake up in the middle of the night. Sometimes I just stay there until morning. Life without Laurie just seems unreal, surreal and I am feeling how people feel when they lose someone that they love. Two colleagues who went with Laurie on an arctic field trip wrote that they "...would have been lost without Laurie there...". I feel the way that they did....simply a level of being lost. 

I wrote and posted Laurie's notice of passing in both the Ottawa Citizen and the Globe and Mail December 22nd 2012 edition newspapers. It was also printed in the Alliston Herald, the town paper where Laurie spent many childhood years. You may access the Citizen and the Globe and Mail websites and read the notice. After the notice was posted, the Ottawa Citizen science writer got in touch. He is currently researching and writing an article on Laurie and her work as a botanist. I am uncertain as to when the article will appear but it will likely be quite soon.

I have been spending time reviewing photos and images of Laurie over the years. Just last night I finally found the box of slides taken on our trips to Cuba in 1994, England in 1994, Scotland in 1996 and on our first trip to New Zealand and Australia in 1998. The box was in the far corner of the basement at the bottom of a column of other boxes....basically the last box to look for in a basement full of packed boxes. The contents of every box is labelled on the outside so I did not need to open each box. I have five binders to look through now and I will create a digital image of the slides that have Laurie in them using a converter. The converter can also create an image from a film negative and I have spent lots of time doing this.  It is too bad that some of the older photos do not have anything written on the back....a date or location especially would have been good. I notice that the pictures of when Laurie was a baby and as a young girl had the date printed on the border. What a good idea that for some reason got dropped by the print developers as time went by. There will be photos of Laurie at the memorial service which brings me to the next subject.

Laurie's memorial service will be held on Saturday, April 6th, 2013. The visitation will commence at 12:30 and the service will begin at 1:30. After the service there will be food and refreshments. The location of the service is the McGarry Family Home Central Chapel at 315 McLeod Street, Ottawa, Ontario. O'Connor is the cross street and The Canadian Museum of Nature is located very nearby. For those wishing that their thoughts or memories be read at the service then please contact me. A friend of Laurie's will read these during the service. I know that Laurie had many friends and colleagues who live around the world so having their words there would be very nice.  If you feel that you would like to participate in any way at the service then please get in touch. I am thinking of the program now and would like you to contact me by the middle of February if possible. If you have any photographs in slide, film or digital format then please let me know. I have not decided on a designated charity for those wishing to contribute something in Laurie's memory. I will have an organization selected by the time of the service.  All correspondence may be sent to - "carpe_diem@xplornet.com".

I have been asked questions like "What am I going to do now?" or "Will you stay in Oxford Station?" Right now I am really only thinking about Laurie's service as I want it to be a wonderful tribute to a wonderful and beautiful woman. I try not to think of anything beyond arranging the memorial service as that is really the only important thing in my life now.

Mark

Where the Grass is Greener

It is with a broken heart and tear-swollen eyes that I pass along the news of Laurie's passing on December 18th, 2012. Laurie left this earth and everything that she loved on it in my arms at 11:45 p.m. at the Kemptville District Hospital. Quiet, soft slowly descending snow fell as Laurie's hazel-coloured eyes closed and she began a journey to where the grass is greener.  She was a truly wonderful partner and positive person who was taken all too soon from us. Her courage and strength all through life was remarkable. I would like to think that she had lived a fulfilling life in her almost 53 years and it is so sad to think that she passed away in the prime of her life. I would like to thank everyone of you who have followed Laurie's illness and sent us good wishes, flowers, cards, gifts and thoughts of recovery and visited us at our home and in hospitals over the last 17 months. Many people located around the globe knew Laurie and it is touching to know that so many friends and colleagues have travelled along what was hopefully Laurie's road to recovery. Another posting will be made towards the end of January when I may be able to provide some final thoughts on Laurie's brave journey.

An announcement will be made when there will be a memorial service for Laurie. At this time I would think that the service will be held in downtown Ottawa sometime between late March and mid April, 2013. There will an obituary in the Ottawa Citizen and the Globe and Mail likely within a week.

Laurie really like the Christmas season and I have posted three holiday period photos of Laurie enjoying this period. It was a time when Laurie really seemed to put her work aside for a week or two and enjoy the snow and relaxation here at our home. I know that Laurie would join me in wishing everyone the best over the Christmas season.

Mark

A note from Laurie's sister:

Siblings sometimes take each other for granted and forget the little words and gestures to let each other know how much one is cherished.  Please, make sure you let everyone you love know just how special they are to you this holiday season and throughout the year.   Thank you for being a part of my sisters life.   Her love of life was boundless, and encompassed us all.

Lisa