She is in the WInd that blows through the Trees

It has been a long time since the last update was posted on January 14th, 2013 and I apologize to those who may have been checking for an update and not seeing one. Although it has been seven weeks I really do not know what to say. I guess the truth is that I am not coping very well and the days are not really getting much better. I still cannot believe that Laurie is not here. I miss Laurie tremendously and I am very lost in life right now without her. Some of you reading this can relate to this from your own personal losses. My focus has been on Laurie’s memorial service which is on April 6th in downtown Ottawa. The visitation starts at 12:30 and the service begins at 1:30. There will be a reception after the service where friends can gather (there is more information relating to the service at the bottom of this update). The service is really a celebration of Laurie’s life and I keep thinking just how this service should not be happening and that Laurie and I are in Newfoundland having begun a new chapter in our lives. 

As part of the preparation for the service I have gone through many photographs from the time when Laurie was a little baby. We took many photos during our holidays and outings together and I took many as well during the time of Laurie’s illness – from July, 2011 until December, 2013. I see the determination and the strength and the courage that Laurie had during her 17 month ordeal with the brain tumour. I also see these qualities in other photos from other times though -  the climbs up precarious mountains in rough weather, the boat trips across rough waters and even in her Ph.D. graduation pictures from June 2, 2008. She was such an intelligent person who took care of herself and led a healthy lifestyle. Laurie was soft-spoken but had qualities in her of which  I wish I possessed more. More patience... more faith in mankind...more hope for the future.

People say to me that “she is in a better place now” and that “she would want me to be happy”. I find these expressions to be very difficult to relate to. I don’t know where Laurie is, where good people who pass on, go. I know that she is in my heart, my mind and in whatever spirit I have left. I feel guilty for doing things that we once did together like going out to dinner or for a long walk through the woods. I have met friends and shared a meal but I have not really gone out on my own. Laurie is in everything I see in the house and outside of it. She is in the wind that blows through the trees.

It is difficult to drive to places that we shared. It is hard to walk down the country road here that we walked so many times together. It is more difficult to wander around the property that we were so happy to have bought back in 1994. There is a tree with a natural seat that Laurie liked to sit in and listen to the sounds of the forest. I sat there last week and cried as the falling snow slowly accumulated on the branches. There are days when I know we would have been out skiing or simply taking a hike someplace...these days are difficult to manage. My days here are quite low-key. I spend much of the evenings in the living room reading – this is where Laurie is. Our small artificial Christmas tree is still up and the lights are on. I have candles burning. I find these things give me some peace and there is some tranquility that I find at night compared to the day time.

What else has been happening? Well, I bought a new computer. I was experiencing many frustrating hours in trying to open files with a large number of pictures and the computer would freeze. One day I had enough of this and went to the computer shop near the house. The technician said that there is a “night and day difference between the old and the new”. The old computer was bought in 2003 and well, it really was time for a new one. At the same time, I got a new satellite dish for internet service. Of course the computer and internet are working fine now but this was not always the case. Laurie was the one who delved into new computer things and she actually took the time to read manuals and help screens. I find that these actions do in fact help and it is better than getting frustrated and blaming something or someone else for my technical weakness.

I have been keeping a local framing firm in steady business as I have had many photos enlarged and framed. There are some very nice photos of Laurie in frames on the walls and on table tops. I do not know why we did not frame some of our holidays pictures of us together and hang them on the wall. It seems that we looked at the photos after our trip and then they were tucked into a folder on the computer. Laurie actually had three lap tops as well as the desk top so I have experience now in many versions of Microsoft Windows. I have also been printing the electronic pictures in various sizes and putting them in albums. I write on the back of the picture the date of the photo and usually some note as to where it was taken or some significance to this. It seems that I, we, were just too busy before to undertake these things. I feel that there is much value in doing so and is something to do rather than watching television for instance. I decided, in fact, to cancel the television service. Given the number of commercials, reality shows and the ceaseless reruns of them, news channels showing more bad news and an endless number of pay-per-view stations I decided to end the service. Having done so, I have received two calls from the provider to follow-up on my reasons for cancelling. I would just like them to respect my decision and let me be.

The next update will appear after the memorial service. It will likely be the last one. This is a “last call” for those who will be unable to attend but would like some message to be read during the service. It does not need to be long – even a couple of sentences – of a time that gives you a special memory of Laurie. Please send the tribute to Mark at “carpe_diem@xplornet.com”. I know that Laurie had many friends and colleagues around the world who are very saddened by her passing and may want to write something in their remembrance of her.

Here are the details on Laurie’s memorial service:

Date: Saturday, April, 6th, 2013

Time: Visitation 12:30 * Service 1:30 * Reception after the service.

Location: McGarry Central Chapel. 315 McLeod Street (at O’Connor), Ottawa, Ontario. (613) 233-1143. Take exit 119A off of the 417 highway eastbound.

The Canadian Museum of Nature is adjacent to the chapel. Parking is at the chapel or along the streets.

For those wishing to send flowers, I would like to recommend “The Silver Rose” florist in Ottawa (www.thesilverrose.com). Gerry, the owner,has provided excellent heart-felt advice to me (613) 238-8236. For those wishing to leave a legacy to Laurie it is hard to direct you. There are so many worthwhile associations and organizations that are fitting. I would like to think that Laurie might like a legacy left to an organization involved in, or promoting, our natural world...whether it relates to plants, animals, birds or the ecosystem.

For those travelling to Ottawa, there are many place to stay. I know that there is a nice looking Best Western – Victoria Park Suites Hotel very close by the chapel. Call 1-800-465-7275 for information / reservations (www.victoriapark.com).

Please do come on April 6th and join the celebration of Laurie’s life. There will be music, memories and a nice reception where friends may get together.